Four people familiar with the situation told this reporter Rod Rosenstein said he feels “used” by the Whitehouse. Other unnamed individuals state the four people familiar with the situation aren’t actually familiar with the situation.

Official(s), requesting anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the talks, say the Whitehouse is negotiating with Martians to repaint the Statue of Liberty in rainbow hues and may replace the Bible she holds with a billboard for Jimboy’s Tacos and the torch with a 27 foot tall dildo. Neither the Whitehouse nor the Martians have responded to our inquiries by the time of publication.

Anonymous sources tell this reporter Nancy Pelosi bakes cookies in her sleep. Friends of Pelosi have denied these reports are factual because, as one individual in a fez, belly-button ring and swim flippers put it, “Nancy doesn’t know how to do anything.”

Declining to identify themselves, several fishermen fell off pier 39 in San Francisco. Multiple anonymous witnesses stated the fishermen appeared drunk and poorly dressed at the time of the incident. One witness, named Peter Stovall described the incident in his own words, “You’re an idiot, aren’t you?. Go away!” No bodies have yet to be recovered.

Of all these accounts, I believe Peter is the most credible. That’s who.