I just bought a new car. It came with anti-stop breaks. That was a mistake.

You should never buy a new car. You should always buy a used car. That way, all of the built-in problems have already been fixed by the previous owner. The same is true with dogs.

My wife and I went to the SPCA to get a replacement dog for our dead one. (I’d appreciate it if nobody repeats what I just said to our new used dog. I don’t want him to know he’s a rebound pet since he’s already trying to cope with the knowledge that he’s adopted.)

This new used dog we got had already been fixed. I think it’s the law. This wasn’t really news to me, but I wanted to find out if it was a very strict policy or whether there might be any intact dogs available. I asked the girl at the shelter, “Does that dog, over there, have any balls?” She said, “No, it’s a bitch.” I had to agree.

Do you know what else I think is a bitch? When I get a ringing in my nose. I hate that. Actually, hate may be too strong a word. It’s also politically incorrect. We must hate hate and hate haters…or so I’ve been told.

Now there are hate crimes. These are especially bad and the consequences of committing a hate crime are far worse than attacking a victim because you like them.

So, I just let my nose ring until it stops on its own.