I’m not getting any younger. Tennis elbow, shin splints, butt roast and matzo balls are the reasons I no longer play sports.

The “P” In pneumonia is silent and so is the “P” in pterodactyl. But mine always makes a little noise.

I’ve had so many face-lifts that I can clip my toenails without bending over.

I once won a poker game with a straight courtesy flush.

I finally found “gluten-free” underpants.

I took my family to the bikini wax museum.

The Old Faithful geyser once cheated on my wife.

I have a mismatched pair of scissors.

Newly discovered fossils prove Tyrannosaurus Rex was not only gay, but vegan.

It takes two to tango…and three to tango poorly.

I was once axed if I was literate, ex-cetra.

A freon enema will give some folks an ice cream headache.

I have the lint, but somehow misplaced my belly-button.

It is time to wash my socks when they ask.

I got a bad clam the last time I went to Red Lobster. It stole my wallet.

Little Miss Muffet ate the spider, too.

Oil and parachutes don’t mix either.

Chickens don’t have nipples for several good reasons.

Mayonnaise is a poor substitute for engine coolant.

So, now you know!