If Sarah Palin was the centerfold, I’d subscribe to “Field and Stream”.

It’s a shame his name wasn’t Alexander Graham Fart. Ring tones would be much more entertaining..

If we were politically correct, there’d be more stuttering auctioneers.

The first time I went “fly” fishing, I hooked my boxer shorts.

My flight instructor said I have a bad altitude.

My beef liver ice cream float tastes a little “off”.

The scratch and sniff piñata I invented isn’t selling well.

Basketball would be more interesting if they used a football.

When I was in my high school astronomy club, all the telescope  jockies called me “two eyes”.

Why isn’t javelin receiving an Olympic sport?

Menthol condoms are always a surprise.

I lost my radio controlled kite.

I fixed the plumbing in Olivia Newton’s john.

School kids in the late fifties and early sixties were taught to bend over and put their heads between their legs in case of nuclear attack. “The Donald” learned this, but mistakenly stood up in the wrong direction. Now he has the limited view of the world seen out his navel.

Hillary was born 10/26/47  at Edgewater Hospital in Chicago, Illinois. She was delivered by cesarean section because doctors felt an enema would have been too stressful on both mother and child.

I watch women’s gymnastics, but just for the articles.

Every time my fist gets stuck in my ear, I get frustrated.

If it scratches glass, it’s a diamond. If it feels rough against your teeth, it’s a pearl. If it rots a hole in your shorts, it’s probably not a gem.

Hillary  is the antidote to Viagra.

Rumors have it that Nancy Pelosi will appear as the centerfold model in an upcoming issue of “Mad” magazine.

Churchill guided Britain to victory in WWII and was promptly fired. (True story).

Mick Jagger joined the cast of the dieting show, “The Biggest Loser” and has not been seen since.

In the beginning there was nothing and the Lord said, “Let there be light.” There was still nothing, but at least you could see it.

Baby kangaroos are called “joeys”. Why? Because “pamelas” makes no sense.

I think the German Brothers Grimm stepped over the line with their fairytale “Rumpledforeskin”.

What does the early bird get if the worm sleeps in?

I couldn’t find any high end Somalian cuisine the last time I was in Aspen.

I think Elizabeth Taylor and Buddy Hackett would have made a cute couple. Also Bo Derek and Marty Feldman.

One day I brought enough gum for everyone else in the class. That shut my teacher up.

You are better at math than I am. You can count on it.

Cold water is God’s way of keeping men humble…and keeping women interesting.

The armadillo and the platypus are examples of what happens when you don’t follow the enclosed instructions.